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| "Master of the House" | |
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| Composer | |
| Lyricist | |
| Performers |
Madame Thénardier |
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"Master of the House" takes place in Montfermeil, France in 1823. The scene takes place in the inn of the Thénardiers, right before Jean Valjean comes in with Cosette.
The lyrics were written by Herbert Kretzmer.
Lyrics[]
Drinker 3:
Come on, you old pest
Drinker 2:
Fetch a bottle of your best
Drinker 1:
What's the nectar of the day?
[Thénardier comes in with a flask of wine.]
Thénardier:
Here, try this lot
Guaranteed to hit the spot, or I'm not Thénardier
Drinkers:
Gissa glass of rum
Landlord, over here
Thénardier:
[To himself] Right away, you scum
[To customer] Right away, M'sieur
Diner 1:
God this place has gone to hell
Diner 2:
So you tell me every year
Drinker 6:
Mine host Thénardier
He was there, so they say, at the field of Waterloo
Drinker 7:
Got there, it's true, when the fight was all through
Drinker 1:
But he knew just what to do
Crawling through the mud
So I've heard it said
Picking through the pockets of the English dead
Drinker 8:
He made a tidy score from the spoils of war
Thénardier:
My band of soaks
My den of dissolutes
My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts
My sons of whores spent their lives in my inn
Homing pigeons homing in
They fly through my doors
And their money's as good as yours
Diner 1:
Ain't got a clue what he put into this stew
Must've scraped it off the street
Diner 2:
God, what a wine
Chateau Neuf de Turpentine
Must've pressed it with his feet
Drinkers:
Landlord, over here
Where's the bloody man?
One more for the road
One more slug o' gin
Girl:
Just one more, or my old man is gonna do me in
Thénardier: [Greeting a new customer.]
Welcome, M'sieur
Sit yourself down
And meet the best innkeeper in town
As for the rest
All of them crooks
Rooking their guests and cooking the books
Seldom do you see
Honest men like me
A gent of good intent who's content to be
Master of the house
Doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Tells a saucy tale
Makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do a friend a favour
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price
Master of the house
Keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two
Watering the wine
Making up the weight
Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
Everybody loves a landlord
Everybody's bosom friend
I do whatever pleases
Jesus, won't I bleed 'em in the end
Thénardier & Chorus:
Master of the house
Quick to catch your eye
Never wants a passer-by to pass him by
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher and lifelong mate
Everybody's boon companion
Everybody's chaperone
Thénardier:
But lock up your valises
Jesus, won't I skin you to the bone
[To another new customer.]
Enter, M'sieur
Lay down your load
Unlace your boots and rest from the road
[Taking his bag.]
This weighs a ton
Travel's a curse
But here we strive to lighten your purse
Here the goose is cooked
Here the fat is fried
And nothing's overlooked till I'm satisfied
Food beyond compare
Food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse
Liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages with this and that
Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied
Reasonable charges plus some little extras on the side
Charge 'em for the lice
Extra for the mice
Two per cent for looking in the mirror twice
Here a little slice
There a little cut
Three per cent for sleeping with the window shut
When it comes to fixing prices
There are lots of tricks he knows
How it all increases
All them bits and pieces
Jesus, it's amazing how it grows
Thénardier & Chorus:
Master of the house
Quick to catch your eye
Never wants a passer-by to pass him by
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher and life-long mate
Everybody's boon companion
Gives 'em everything he's got
Thénardier:
Dirty bunch of geezers
Jesus, what a sorry little lot
Madame Thénardier:
I used a dream that I would meet a prince
But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?
"Master of the house"
Isn't worth me spit
"Comforter, philosopher" - and lifelong shit
Cunning little brain
Regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
What a cruel trick of nature
Landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house
Thénardier & Chorus:
Master of the house
Madame Thénardier:
Master and a half
Thénardier & Chorus:
Comforter, philosopher
Madame Thénardier:
Don't make me laugh
Thénardier & Chorus:
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Madame Thénardier:
Hypocrite and toady and inebriate
Thénardier & Chorus:
Everybody bless the landlord
Everybody bless his spouse
Thénardier:
Everybody raise a glass
Madame Thénardier:
Raise it up the master's arse
All:
Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house
Lyrics [10th Anniversary Concert][]
Thénardier: [Greeting a new customer.]
Welcome, M'sieur
Sit yourself down
And meet the best innkeeper in town
As for the rest
All of them crooks
Rooking their guests and cooking the books
Seldom do you see
Honest men like me
A gent of good intent who's content to be
Master of the house
Doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Tells a saucy tale
Makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do a friend a favour
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price
Master of the house
Keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two
Watering the wine
Making up the weight
Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
Everybody loves a landlord
Everybody's bosom friend
I do whatever pleases
Jesus, won't I bleed 'em in the end
Thénardier & Chorus:
Master of the house
Quick to catch your eye
Never wants a passer-by to pass him by
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher and lifelong mate
Everybody's boon companion
Everybody's chaperone
Thénardier:
But lock up your valises
Jesus, won't I skin you to the bone
[To another new customer.]
Enter, M'sieur
Lay down your load
Unlace your boots and rest from the road
[Taking his bag.]
This weighs a ton
Travel's a curse
But here we strive to lighten your purse
Here the goose is cooked
Here the fat is fried
And nothing's overlooked till I'm satisfied
Food beyond compare
Food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse
Liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages with this and that
Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied
Reasonable charges plus some little extras on the side
Charge 'em for the lice
Extra for the mice
Two per cent for looking in the mirror twice
Here a little slice
There a little cut
Three per cent for sleeping with the window shut
When it comes to fixing prices
There are lots of tricks he knows
How it all increases
All them bits and pieces
Jesus, it's amazing how it grows
Thénardier & Chorus:
Master of the house
Quick to catch your eye
Never wants a passer-by to pass him by
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher and life-long mate
Everybody's boon companion
Gives 'em everything he's got
Thénardier:
Dirty bunch of geezers
Jesus, what a sorry little lot
Madame Thénardier:
I used a dream that I would meet a prince
But God Almighty, have you seen what's happened since?
"Master of the house"
Isn't worth me spit
"Comforter, philosopher" - and lifelong shit
Cunning little brain
Regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
What a cruel trick of nature
Landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house
Thénardier & Chorus:
Master of the house
Madame Thénardier:
Master and a half
Thénardier & Chorus:
Comforter, philosopher
Madame Thénardier:
Don't make me laugh
Thénardier & Chorus:
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Madame Thénardier:
Hypocrite and toady and inebriate
Thénardier & Chorus:
Everybody bless the landlord
Everybody bless his spouse
Thénardier:
Everybody raise a glass
Madame Thénardier:
Raise it up the master's arse!
All:
Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house!
2012 Movie Version[]
Madame Thénardier: (spoken) Wakey, wakey. We're opening.
Thénardier: My band of soaks
My den of dissolutes
My dirty jokes, my always pissed as newts
My sons of whores
Spent their lives in my inn
Homing pigeons homing in
They fly through my doors
And they crawl out on all fours
Thénardier: [Greeting a new customer.]
Welcome, M'sieur
Sit yourself down
And meet the best innkeeper in town
As for the rest
All of them crooks
Rooking their guests and cooking the books
Seldom do you see
Honest men like me
A gent of good intent who's content to be
Master of the house
Doling out the charm
Ready with a handshake and an open palm
Tells a saucy tale
Makes a little stir
Customers appreciate a bon-viveur
Glad to do a friend a favour
Doesn't cost me to be nice
But nothing gets you nothing
Everything has got a little price
Master of the house
Keeper of the zoo
Ready to relieve 'em of a sou or two
Watering the wine
Making up the weight
Pickin' up their knick-knacks when they can't see straight
Everybody loves a landlord
Everybody's bosom friend
I do whatever pleases
Jesus, won't I bleed 'em in the end
Thénardier & Chorus: Master of the house
Quick to catch your eye
Never wants a passer-by to pass him by
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Comforter, philosopher and lifelong mate
Everybody's boon companion
Everybody's chaperone
Thénardier: But lock up your valises
Jesus, won't I skin you to the bone
Food beyond compare
Food beyond belief
Mix it in a mincer and pretend it's beef
Kidney of a horse
Liver of a cat
Filling up the sausages with this and that
Residents are more than welcome
Bridal suite is occupied
Reasonable charges plus some little extras on the side
Charge 'em for the lice
Extra for the mice
Two per cent for looking in the mirror twice (Hand it over!)
Here a little slice
There a little cut
Three per cent for sleeping with the window shut
When it comes to fixing prices
There are lots of tricks I knows
How it all increases
All those bits and pieces
Jesus, it's amazing how it grows
Madame Thénardier: I dreamed a dream that I would meet a prince
But God Almighty,
Have you seen what's happened since?
"Master of the house"
Isn't worth my spit
"Comforter, philosopher" and lifelong shit
Cunning little brain
Regular Voltaire
Thinks he's quite a lover but there's not much there
What a cruel trick of nature
Landed me with such a louse
God knows how I've lasted living with this bastard in the house
Thénardier & Chorus: Master of the house
Madame Thénardier: Master and a half
Thénardier & Chorus: Comforter, philosopher
Madame Thénardier: Don't make me laugh
Thénardier & Chorus:
Servant to the poor
Butler to the great
Madame Thénardier: Hypocrite and toady and inebriate
Thénardier & Chorus: Everybody bless the landlord
Everybody bless his spouse
Thénardier: Everybody raise a glass
Madame Thénardier: Raise it up the master's arse
All: Everybody raise a glass to the master of the house
Trivia[]
- This song is known as Amo del Meson in the Spanish production and this roughly translates to, "Lord of the Inn".
- In the Polish Roma Theater version the song is titled "Kramu tego król", which means: "King of this markel stall".
- In the 2012 movie, most of the lyrics are cut, including the first several verses. The song opens with the lines "My band of soaks/My den of dissolutes..." and also cuts all the individual drinker's lines. Furthermore, the first verse of the song is also cut down. Madame Thenardier does kick her husband to wake him up before the bar/hotel opens up. This is also the case in most stage productions from late 2000 onwards.
- This song, in the Mexican version, is called "Soy el anfitrión" and this could translate as "I'm the host".
Videos[]
